the tale of my children's book
a summary of a two year long story
I didn’t intend on writing a children’s book on lament.
The last two years have been full of unexpected, intricate steps which have led to today. This book came out of a dark place of suffering, a place of desperate thirst for any words that would help my daughter see the grace and hope of lament.
Hours after my husband’s death, I found myself cradling our two year old daughter in my arms, without the words to explain to her that cancer had ended her daddy’s life. I don’t remember much from the fog of grief, but I remember sitting in silence, just thinking of what to say. I wasn’t primarily concerned with the best thing to say to her, as thinking of anything to say was a challenge. I felt a strong sense of certainty wash over my weak and sick body. I could not hide her, protect her, shield her from this pain. So I chose to simply speak the truth I knew she probably wouldn’t comprehend yet, “Daddy died.”
Weeks earlier, Frank and I were living in lament. Optimistic that the chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant would rid his body of cancer, at least for a couple years, we were still grieving. Even without taking his life, cancer was stealing so many good things from us. We found ourselves drawn to Lamentations, Job, and the lament Psalms. We found comfort there. We needed the ability to be honest about how much our hearts were hurting and bring all that pain to God. When there weren’t answers to be had and all the odds fell against us, we found grace and hope in the framework of lament. We could go to God with all our pain because of who he was, and he would not abandon us in our suffering.
So when I found myself holding my fatherless child, I knew I didn’t just want to teach her what death was but also what lament was. I knew I’d have to teach her about grief, but I wanted her to grieve with hope. I didn’t want to give her a false or lesser hope that wouldn’t be able to sustain her throughout her life. I didn’t want to teach her something that she would have to one day unlearn. That meant I couldn’t pretend to have the answers. I couldn’t promise her outcomes. I didn’t even want her to see me as the one who ultimately carried her grief—only Christ could do that. Our loss made it painfully real to me that I couldn’t even assure her that I would always be with her.
So I started to think.
The Words
I felt like Frank’s death took all the words out of me. I didn’t have words to ask for help, to pray, to sing, to talk. I desperately needed the words to give my daughter about what was happening. So I looked for kids books. I found a few that were helpful, but none that explained what lament was. Lament is distinct from coping with grief and navigating intense emotions. Lament is different from explaining what death, cancer, and stroke are. I quickly realized that there were only a few adult resources on lament, much less any children’s resources. I remember sharing with my close friend that I needed to find a way to articulate lament for a young child.
I had already created my own little “book” explaining what had happened to daddy with age appropriate phrases and pictures from our cancer journey. This was a valuable resource as Lois learned what she wasn’t yet old enough to understand. I thought I would just do the same: come up with some words, type it up, and print it like a photo book for just the two of us to use. My friend, with three young children, encouraged me to share whatever I came up with because she felt the same burden raising her own kids. She wanted to teach her children about lament, because of my daughter's pain, but also because they too would face brokenness. So I started to jot down some thoughts, without any desire to turn this into anything formal. All I knew was that I desperately needed the words to show my daughter how to lament in the midst of unexplainable pain.
The Concept
This same friend encouraged me to continue to write and went so far as to say I should try get a book published. That seemed too big a task. I didn’t have the emotional or mental capacity to start that kind of project. But I started to think more about what this hypothetical book could be. I knew that a children’s book on lament needed to exist, even if I wasn’t the one to write it.
But…if I were to write it, I didn’t want it to be an allegory, but instead a concrete, “real life” story. I knew I wanted it to be about a child (not animals.) I knew I wanted it to be driven by a biblical theological framework of death and suffering, as well as follow the cadence of lament in the Psalms. I had more ideas about this than I thought.
But still not ready to dive head first into this project, I committed to walking through doors, if the Lord opened them.
A few months later, I was given the opportunity to meet with an editor from Crossway, Champ Thornton. For context, he was coming to meet with Bible professors to hear their book proposals, and I was graciously given a 30 minute time slot to share my idea. (Another dear friend of mine didn’t really give me a choice.) I felt so out of place, but I went into this meeting prepared to tell my story and make the case for this book. To my surprise, he already knew who I was and our story. A family several degrees removed from me who lived half way across the country had told him about us. I never could have expected that. I knew some of my facebook posts had been shared widely but could never have imagined that this particular individual would have ever heard of me.
So I pitched my idea. Within minutes, he expressed his excitement, and we spent the majority of that meeting talking about the best way to tell this story. Writing a children’s picture book on such a heavy topic would have its challenges.
Champ committed to working with me on a draft and getting it ready to present to the publishing committee.
The Draft
That weekend I went home and wrote a draft. Although Champ and I would spend the next six months going over every word repeatedly, this first concept never changed. I learned a lot about writing children’s literature, particularly about rhyming, and about the publishing world. Email after email, we prepared a draft that Champ would eventually pitch to the committee who would decide if they would choose to publish. Every step of the way, Champ managed my expectations. He didn’t get to choose what books get selected, and Crossway just doesn’t publish very many children’s books. We even talked about what steps I could take if they turned it down. Even good books get rejected for a variety of reasons.
The Contract
August was a month of grieving and waiting. I knew at some point that month, Champ would be pitching my story, but I was mostly focused on surviving the first anniversary of Frank’s death. I didn’t expect to hear anything until September anyway, and I expected to be rejected.
On the morning of August 31st, I received an email from Champ. I was in the bathroom of our old apartment getting Lois ready for the day. We were running late as usual.
Crossway had offered me a contract.
I was shocked.
I cried.
I sent messages to two good friends and headed to work.
None of this felt real.
This offer came ten days after the first anniversary of Frank’s death.
This last year, I have been working with the amazing team at Crossway preparing this story to be ready for the hands of families. And there is actually a lot still to happen.
The Book
I’m thrilled to share that my book, He Always Hears, will be published in April 2025.
There are a lot of fun things happening between now and then, and I’m grateful for you to be apart of it. Continue to follow along here and on my instagram for all the details.
I hope you see, as I have briefly recounted here, the Lord’s grace. Even if this book was never going to be published, our family would still be lamenting. We would still be clinging to God for hope and comfort in our deep pain. It has been an honor and a privilege to have been able to write this story to help other families walk in the grace and hope of lament.
Would you join me in praying for the families who will be reading this book?
Pray that hurting children and their families will find comfort in the grace and hope of lament, that they will learn that they can tell God how much their hearts hurt because he is with them and he hears their cries. Pray that this book along with the local church will meet them in their pain and suffering. I pray that we are all able to sit with those who are hurting and weep with them, resting our hope in Christ who weeps with us.
Thank you for all your encouragement and prayers.
I can’t wait for you to meet the little girl in this story and learn about lament with her ❤️
Alyson
I'm just reading this now and I love it so much. Thank you for allowing God to use your lament to serve the church, Alyson.
I’m not sure how I found my way to this post but I’m so grateful for your words and your work. Thank you.